Juggling 12 Flaming Chainsaws While Walking Backwards
If the only reason a relationship is still standing is due to your super effort, maybe it is supposed to fall.
Once, two people were in a relationship. In ways, it worked. In ways, it didn’t. The two had much in common. On paper, one might even call the relationship ‘perfect’.
Reality, as it happens, takes place off-paper.
Off-paper is where it didn’t work.
Two years, one divorce, and 8,000 hours of soul searching later…
One day, in meditation, the amount of energy which had been required to sustain that relationship was suddenly revealed. It was colossal.
In meditation, the ability was granted to ‘flick’ back and forth — akin to a light switch — between:
The feeling of the relationship and how much energy output that had required…
and
The feeling of Now and how much energy output that required.
The sensation was a stark, visceral awareness which would have been measurable if we had yet invented the tools to do so.
Not only was the quantity of energy expressly different — the Now moment was effortless by comparison — but the quality was of a different nature as well.
The late Dr. David Hawkins would call the quality of the Now moment ‘Power’, and the quality of the relationship energy ‘Force’.1 In other words, the nature of the Now moment (as Power) was magnetic, stationary, calm, and inexhaustible; the nature of the energy of the relationship (as Force) was ultimately repellent, grasping, anxious, and finite.
Each of these qualities is key to understand, but for the purpose of this article, let’s focus on just the last dichotomous pair:
Inexhaustible vs. Finite
There were moments in the relationship that did not feel draining. There were many moments that did not feel like ‘work’. However, the simple fact is: Many moments did take ‘work’.
The key here is the ‘quotes’ around the word: ‘work’.
There are two kinds of work: (1) work, and (2) ‘work’.
Work is the good kind of work. It’s the right kind of work. The healthy kind that makes our heart sing and leaves us feeling satisfied and fulfilled.
Work is a natural part of all relationships and every aspect of life itself. But again, this kind of work is fulfilling and self-sustaining. We work at things because we want to cultivate them and make them better. We want to nurture and care for them. We want to see them grow and flourish.
Then there’s ‘work’. The not-so-great kind of work. The unhealthy kind that makes our inner voice grumble and leaves us feeling glad-to-be-finished, at best, and resentful, at worst.
‘Work’ is an unnatural part of relationships and any aspect of life itself. It’s draining and begrudging. We ‘work’ at things because we want to ‘get it over with already’ and ‘be done with it’. We ‘work’ to get something so we can ‘move on to the next’. We ‘work’ to see ourselves as better and more glamorous.
All this is to say: Work is great. ‘Work’ is not so great. ‘Work’ is a sign we are resisting some aspect of the situation.2
The nature of ‘work’ is resistance-based — we are fighting the Cosmos. Bucking the current of the galactic whirlpool. Constricting against the Universe’s innate expansion.
^This is why ‘work’ calibrates as Force (vs. Power) and, because it is inharmonious with the Laws of Creation, its energy source is finite.
^This is why we can only ‘take it’ for so long before we ‘lose it’, ‘go nuts’, ‘lose our mind’, ‘get fed up’, etc.
^And this is proof, beyond any other, that the initiator of ‘work’ is the ego, and not the Self.
In short: If we are in a relationship that is based in ‘work’, the failure and collapse of the relationship is not a matter of if, but when.
Not a matter of if one or both parties runs out of energy to sustain it, but when one or both parties runs out of energy to sustain it.
In other words: If a relationship can only stand because one or both parties have to ‘work’ at it… this is an indicator the relationship itself is inharmonious with the Laws of Nature. This is an indicator the Universe itself is communicating with you and suggesting:
Let it go.
There’s something better for you—and for them—elsewhere.
Trust me.
Take a moment to look closely at the above photo. Look at the absolute audacity of these trees growing out of these sheer cliffs.
Could these trees have established themselves and grown to maturity in such inhospitable conditions if they were pulling energy from a finite, exhaustible source within themselves? Of course not.
This is Power.
Power is inexhaustible, because it draws from the One Source of energy which charges all things: Life itself.
Whether we call it Life, God, Spirit, The Cosmos, Source Energy, The One, The Totality, The Infinite, The Universe… the answer is yes… That.3
When we live connected to Power — connected to Life — our energy is inexhaustible, because our energy is drawn from the One Dynamo that charges all.
When we live connected to Power, life unfolds for us. Harmonious relationships become a happening.
The only way we get to these kinds of relationships is by first letting go of all the relationships that are inharmonious with Life.
Caveat
Letting go of a relationship is not nixing it or cutting it out of one’s life. This is not a ‘good vibes only’ mentality of sham spirituality, head-in-the-sand self-delusion, or prejudice-posing-as-self-awareness egoistic toxicity.
Letting go is just that: letting go… of control.
Letting go is allowing Life to take the wheel and steer this relationship to its ultimate resolution. Regardless of how messy it may get, one thing is certain with Life: it’s efficient. We can always be sure, when we let go, Life takes us by the most direct route possible to our next stage of unfolding.4 [End of caveat.]
Letting go is acceptance
Letting go of a relationship is being ok whether the relationship stays in our life… or leaves it.
When we let go, an extraordinary phenomenon occurs. The other person in the relationship either experiences a sudden growth and elevates with us to stay in our life, or they find an excuse to express they aren’t getting what they need from this relationship and they exit or fade out via non-communication or a social or geographical move.
When we let go, we send the signal to Life that we are open to this relationship remaining part of our life, and we are open to it leaving, but either way we are committed to living authentically. No more manipulating ourselves to keep old, stale relationships around out of habit and a misguided sense of loyalty. We are committing to our own path of growth, and we are open to this relationship being a part of that growth… or not.
The peace that flows from this openness to Life not only feels wonderful to experience, but the nature of this peace (as Power) is magnetic and stationary. It draws suitable relationships to us, rather than us having to go out seeking them.
In short: When we let go of control over relationships and trust Life, our relationships get better and more authentic, they come to us organically, and we enjoy just the right amount of them — not too many, and not too few.
A final word
This article has outlined some of the specifics of how Life operates when it comes to relationships. But if we relax our vision a little, we can zoom out above the content (relationships) to see the structure… the bones of the mechanism at play here.
One may be able to see the principle outlined in this article applies to (1) all kinds of relationships — friendships, family, parenting, colleagues, mentor/mentee, as well as romantic — and (2) literally everything else in life we could ever possibly ‘have a relationship with’ — one’s job, health, fitness, education, creativity, spiritual practices, and even life itself.
Letting go of control benefits all aspects of our life — the ego usually has it backwards, and letting go is letting go of the ego’s white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel. When we realize the arbitrary nature of juggling twelve flaming chainsaws, we can evaluate whether we actually want to continue doing that or not. If we do? Great. Keep juggling, and may you now be able to do so with a heightened sense of Joy. If we do not, letting go gives us permission to let the flaming chainsaws drop… to cease walking backward… and to open ourselves to a heightened awareness of what we do feel inspired to do.
Power vs. Force, along with the rest of Dr. Hawkins’ works are highly recommended reading and are a tool of incalculable value on one’s path of evolution.
We are usually resisting ourselves and our own emotions; how we are feeling about the situation.
If it is helpful, think of the different names for God/Spirit/Source/Life/etc. as the name of our solar system’s Sun, spoken in different languages.
In English, we call our solar system’s star: Sun. In Spanish and Swedish: Sol. In Arabic: Shams. In Japanese: Taiyō. In Swahili: Jua. In Turkish: Güneş. In Hmong: Hnub. Many different words, all pointing to the same thing.
Choose the name that resonates with you inwardly. This is your ‘native tongue’ to refer to the Infinite. Embrace your native tongue, appreciate it. And when you encounter someone who speaks a different language from you, understand this is no different than them speaking a different word for ‘Sun’. It is language. You have yours, and it is full of meaning for you. They have theirs, and it is just as full of meaning for them. 💙
Sometimes there are lessons along the way. Opportunities for further growth. Niche contexts and environments which might be difficult to replicate when we’re living life under a ‘business as usual’ mentality. We may engage as deeply as we wish.