Self-Reflection
One real-life example of what happens when we stick with the Self-Reflection process through several stages of unfolding adversity; and an outline of what those stages can look like.
Author’s Note: The collective pronouns ‘we’ and ‘our’ are used as often as possible in this work, as this is a truthful representation of the inclusive nature of humanity’s collective path of inner awakening. (We truly are ‘all in this together’.) Because this particular article is citing a specific individual’s life experience, the pronouns ‘I’ and ‘my’ are used. All experiences may be different in ways and similar in ways. The specific example offered here is meant to be just that: one example. The purpose of this article is to point toward a structural blueprint (i.e. ‘zoomed out view’) of how one’s path of Self-Reflection may unfold over multiple stages of inner growth. The structure — rather than the content — is the featured element.
I began introspecting in 2006.
Scratch that.
I began introspecting at age 6.
I began writing the process down in 2006. (Age 22, for anyone keeping score at home.)
For the purposes of this article, I will use several terms that are often used interchangeably or thrown around with somewhat vague meaning. In this article, the following terms will be used with the following meaning:
Self-Reflection: a broad process that involves examining one's life experiences and values through the lens of one's actions and choices (Introspection), and using that information to make changes or ‘improvements’ resulting in a more authentic iteration of oneself (Application).
Introspection: a more focused and specific form of self-reflection that is centered on examining one's thoughts and emotions about one’s life and experiences. This process is often achieved through self-observation and contemplation.
Application: a more focused and specific form of self-reflection that is centered on real-izing the new decisions made as a result of Introspection. This process is often achieved through goal-setting and habit-change techniques, typically resulting in continued Introspection.
Self-Reflection is the broadest, most all-encompassing term of the three. If referring to the general topic, I'll refer to it as Self-Reflection.
Beginning at the End:
Self-Reflection ruined my life.
Well, scratch that, too — but perhaps for an unexpected paradigmatic reason.
Self-Reflection ruined what I was calling my ‘life’.
So, I guess the truth is: Self-Reflection ruined my delusion.
What a jerk.
To explain how this happened in its entirety would take volumes. For the purposes of this article, let’s start with one piece: Family.
That’s still too big.
Let’s start with my relationship with my family... specifically my immediate family... specifically my parents.
We’ll break this up into a simple structure: Before, During, and After several complete iterations of the Self-Reflective cycle of Introspection and Application.
Before:
I had a relationship with my parents (lucky enough to have two) that was fine and easy. Occasional disagreements, an argument here and there, several of the usual hallmarks of adolescence and human development. Nothing overtly dysfunctional at first glance.
The ‘Before’ stage lasted from childhood through age 21.
During, Stage 1: Introspection I
I had a relationship with my parents (lucky enough to have two) that was fine and easy... and, I discovered, was built on, perpetuated by, and deeply steeped in decades of unchecked trauma.
This stage lasted from age 22 until around age 30. This stage could be subtitled: “Understanding the Problem.”
One of the tipping points of this stage — the point where I realized I had an extensive understanding of the problem and could no longer tolerate a life without a solution —took place in the kitchen of my then-marital-home in my late twenties.
Arguments with my then-partner would play out in such a way where I would have these semi-out-of-body experiences in the middle of the fight: Suddenly, I could ‘see’ the energy of the argument. Sometimes she (my former partner) was saying what my Mom would say, and I would be saying what my Dad would say. Sometimes it would be reversed. Sometimes it would even be shuffled and intermixed — a bit of both for each of us.1
Self-Reflection helped me see the way I was parroting a lot of my parents' words and their behavior — the good and the bad.
Introspection helped me clarify — for myself — how I felt about that:
The 'bad' I obviously want to do away with. But, honestly, the 'good' doesn't get to stay rent-free any longer either.
I'm fine keeping the good things I learned from Mom & Dad, but if their passed-down words, beliefs, and methodologies are going to stay, it's going to be because, after close scrutiny, I choose to keep them.
I will not keep it around if it does not feel authentic to the person I want to be. Even if it is 'good.'
During, Stage 2: Application I
What followed was a lengthy stage of Application. I make it sound so easy above when I state simply: “The ‘bad’ I obviously want to do away with.” This was very challenging to accomplish in reality. The bulk of this part of the process took place over a concentrated three-year period, from age 30 through 332.
This brings us to an important takeaway which needs to be stated at this point: True change only begins to occur in us the day we’ve ‘had it’ with our old way of being.
Self-Reflection was something I dabbled in for almost a decade before I was finally ‘over it’ with my own inconsistency and hypocrisy and decided to change. My progress in the prior ten years had been ‘horizontal’. Some growth here, a little there, much of it could be attributed, at least in-part, to an increase in human experience (i.e. living and aging those same ten years) — all of it, I realized later, was growth along the same plane.
Once the decision to change was made, the growth experienced in three years was of a ‘vertical’ nature — a qualitative shift through different planes of being. The growth was perceived as a timeless, emerging ‘remembering’ of the Self as boundless Spirit; coupled with an unquantifiable expansion, maturation, and a simultaneous ‘de-aging’ of the mind and body to a more flexible, spontaneous, childlike state.
I have never been older and younger in my life.
During this stage, my parents became deeply confused by me. They would say things to me like: "You were always such a good son," ... "You always seemed so happy," ... and then it morphed into: "You shouldn't take life so seriously."3
Self-Reflection helped me change my life via changing my behavior. Through the process of paying conscious attention to the words that came out of my mouth and the actions I chose to carry out, I consistently learned to 'catch myself' in any moment I would say or do something that was not authentic to this new Me.
The more I did this, the better I got at it.
The better I got at it, the easier each one was to recognize.
The easier each one was to recognize, eventually I came to realize: My life is one giant series of traumas, playing on repeat.
^ This is how Self-Reflection ruined my delusion née life.
I'll be honest: This phase was probably the toughest.
My parents were deeply hurt by me because they interpreted my growth as a form of criticism of their parenting.
And I, finding myself sailing in uncharted waters, had not yet developed articulate ways to communicate what I was going through. Heck, I was still trying to wrap my own head around it all.
I felt like a human embodiment of a small pond in the aftermath of a stampede of wildebeests during monsoon season.
During, Stage 3: Introspection II
This disorientation led me back to my old friend, Introspection.
Introspection, from here, helped me see I was feeling two things simultaneously:
Thrilled and exhilarated at this new version of me that was coming into focus.
Perplexed by the pain and confusion, however inadvertent, I was clearly causing my family.
It’s worth noting that, peppered in for spice throughout this process, was the lingering, ever-seductive voice of the status-quo, softly hissing: “Maybe they're right… Maybe you should just lighten up. What if you are kidding yourself? Maybe it's better if you just stay the way you were... Why rock the boat…?”
All paths are always available to us in all moments of life. And momentum is as real in our ‘inner physics’ as it is in the material world. Our old ways of living are always available to us to choose again, if we’d like. We see this phenomenon play out in a plain way in the path of the recovering addict.
Let’s not kid ourselves — we’re all recovering addicts. The more honest we are with ourselves about this, the faster we progress in our recovery.
My old way of being was still there, still calling to me, still available, if I’d like to choose it again. It would be so easy. My family would love to ‘have me back’. Life would be comfortable and simple again.
I felt a bit like Neo in that moment when he opens the door to get out of the car, early in The Matrix. “Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends.”
And I knew that’s not where I wanted to be.
During, Stage 4: Application II
As the sun came out and the silty waters following the wildebeest stampede began to settle and clear, I realized I could combine 1 & 2 from my previous Introspection.
I arrived at a desire to do the following two things, simultaneously:
Continue my work of inner and outer refinement while...
Diving into it so deeply that I understand it well enough to be able to articulate exactly what I am going through. This way, if my parents still want to take offense, they are welcome to (that is ultimately up to them), but it will not be due to any lack of clarity of communication on my part.
This process of Application went on for the next few years, from around age 34 through 37.
It seemed like such a good idea at first…
During, Stage 5: Introspection III
…but something about it just wasn’t sitting right. I couldn’t find peace with this approach. I tried it from every conceivable angle over those years, and as a result of the effort expended over this period, I learned entire new sociological, psychological, and value-structural thought systems, but I couldn’t help but notice this growing unease internally… like I was missing something important.
It came into focus with the stoic inexorability of a Polaroid. It wasn’t one light bulb, “A-ha!” moment, but a critical mass of tiny moments that brought the picture into sudden clarity. Out of seeming nowhere, I one day realized: My approach was not a viable business model. The toxicity of the approach was relatively subtle, but at this stage of the self-actualization game, I had long-since liberated myself of obvious toxicity. Subtle toxins were the only ones left to refine.
It was the need to articulate… to explain anything to anyone at all. Coupled with the implicit intention to do this articulating ‘blindly’, in all circumstances, regardless of context. This was the toxin.
At the beginning of this stage, I had been so proud of myself for having genuine, well-rounded peace4 with the bit about “if my parents still want to take offense, they are welcome to (that is ultimately up to them)…” that I had zipped right past the subtle giving-away of my power to ‘other’ by holding my happiness conditional to first having to explain myself.
Why do that? Why throw that ladder into the middle of my own highway of happiness?
It took three years for this realization to fully coalesce. But when it did, I found myself ready and eager to begin to let go of this toxic tendency.
During, Stage 6: Application III
Here’s where the magic began to happen.
The more I let go of this subtle need to explain myself, the more my happiness and lightness began to reappear organically. I found myself having good outstanding days every day… for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The day was outstanding because… just look around! The beauty and brilliance of life suddenly became harder to miss than to see.
My relationship with my parents began to heal as well. Though I was happier and lighter with them than I had been for the previous few years, I was not the 'happy son' they were referring to back in: During, Stage 2. This was something else.
I was happy. Happy by my measure, not theirs. My parents are good people, what they ultimately wanted was my happiness all along. They were sad when they saw me lose the state-of-being-they-thought-was-happiness in: During, Stage 2. At this point, I believe they were just relieved I wasn’t so ‘intense’ anymore.
After*:
Guys, Gals, Friends who identify otherwise, I am here to tell you with as much love, clarity, and power as I can transmit:
There is a bottom to the well of trauma.
Self-Reflection is an on-going process. It's something one could always continue to do as life continues to unfold, moving forward.
But what I'm talking about is: looking backward.
When you look into your past traumas, if you have decided you want to heal them, I am here to tell you with confidence and peaceful truth, as a living proof-of-concept: Wholeness exists.
There is a point, one shining day, when you realize you have healed past wounds.
You feel light and free in ways you never knew you were tied down.
You feel clever and genuine like your entire life is a blank canvas and you are your own version of Bob Ross.
You feel actively authentic.
Several wise people, including Ghandi and Dr. Wayne Dyer, have shared versions of this formula as well, but this is my version and it speaks to me:
"Our thoughts inspire our words. Our words ignite our actions. Our actions construct our lives."
Introspection helped me learn to hear my thoughts... and change them accordingly, as-needed.
Introspection + Application helped me learn to arrive at my words... and speak them with presence and authenticity.
Application helped me learn to selectively curate my actions... and own them with confidence and the peace of doing-my-best.
Self-Reflection ruined my delusion and handed me my life on a cosmic golden platter.
It ruined my trauma-based relationship with my parents and gave me a relationship founded in Authenticity, Honesty, and Unconditional Love.
This article touches on one sub-element (Parents) of one element (Immediate Family) of one sub-category (Family) of one category (Relationships) of life.
Though this was one small example, the beauty of the fractalline nature of our Universe is: When we truly understand one thing, we understand every thing.
There is a structure to this example. Like a Magic Eye from the 90’s, you may have to relax your vision a little to see it. But if you let it come to you, you may find yourself holding the key to a door you have been trying to unlock for lifetimes.
If nothing else is taken away from this article but the following — then this article will have been a worthwhile exercise:
All the ‘answers’ are already within you.
If you could be said to have any ‘work’ at all, the list would contain the following two tasks in a peacefully infinite cycle:
Let go. & Trust.
Let go of all thought, story, identity, desire, and emotion.
Let it arise when it arises naturally. Let it be there. Accept it.
Then let it go.
Trust that Nature… Life… does not have any truly empty holes. Trust that letting go always leads to being filled to overflowing with more light, joy, and authenticity than you can possibly imagine.
All the answers are already within you.
You Are those answers.
Let go. & Trust.
*
At the risk of creating confusion in some, I would like to add an important caveat for those who have advanced a certain distance in their path (you will know if this applies to you — there will be no wondering — this caveat will be speaking to a thought you already had about the structure of this article):
‘After’ is a construct. It’s a construct which serves the purpose of keeping this article at both a reasonable length and a familiar shape for the reader.
The entirety of this article is one chapter of the unfolding relationship I have had with my parents. The ‘After’ section of this ‘Chapter One’ is simultaneously the ‘Before’ section of ‘Chapter Two’.
In other words: Did my parents have an awakening themselves and ‘come around’ to see how awe-some this process was and how brave I had to be to persevere through this process despite such adversity?
No. Not even the slightest bit. To this day, this is still true, and we’re in at least Chapter Three by now.
However, did they ‘come around’ relative to the version of themselves they had been previously?
Yes.
They still think I’m weird. They still think I take life too seriously. But with each new Chapter, they are one iteration less-disturbed by my weirdness and by my sincerity.
Most importantly: I don’t need them to ‘get me’, understand me, or even accept me in order for me to be able to love them.
^ This is what is meant by the statement above: “It ruined my trauma-based relationship with my parents and gave me a relationship founded in Authenticity, Honesty, and Unconditional Love.” That’s the paradigm in which our relationship now unfolds.
Final liberation is not freedom from the oppression of others. This is typically an earlier release.
Final liberation is freedom from the oppression of oneself.
As a great imaginary friend once said, “It’s only after we’ve lost everything… we’re free to do anything.”
💠
Turns out this is what generational trauma ‘looks like’ in real time.
The ‘good’ referenced above proved to be even more challenging to extract than the ‘bad’. Traversing from bad to good / unwanted to wanted is a relatively obvious process. Light is easy to spot when we are standing in the dark. Traversing from ‘good’ to ‘better’ / ‘not unwanted’ to ‘yes definitely consciously wanted’ is a more obscure process. When standing in an already-well-lit room, it’s harder to find the brightest spot in the room.
Most of the ‘good’ which I ended up choosing to release ended up being ‘somewhat bad’ … disguised as ‘good’ — either from a moral, ethical, or societally-acceptable standpoint. What was found to be ‘bad’ about it was often the specific effect it had on my well-being.
In some cases, there was nothing wrong with the thing in-and-of-itself, merely the approach to it was what was making it toxic.
Once I gave myself permission to put down certain moral, ethical, and societal platitudes, I found myself picking some of them back up again — but this time, in a correct manner where (1) the action was no longer toxic to me, and (2) because it was no longer toxic to me, the action could be completed with greater authenticity than it previously had been. In other words: Before, I was simply ‘looking like’ I was doing the right thing… but I didn’t really want to. I was doing it because I had been taught that I should. Now, I was doing the right thing because it felt like exactly what I genuinely wanted to do. The desire to behave in certain ways which could be called ‘moral’, ‘ethical’, or ‘societally-appropriate’ arose within me organically.
This does not mean that I always act within the confines of generally-accepted morals, ethics, or societal norms. Far from it. But there is some overlap.
As awakening progresses, our guidance system proportionally shifts from external systems to internal ones. External systems do occasionally ‘get it right’ — in other words, the external systems of morals, ethics, and societal laws and standards do occasionally align with Natural Law. Natural Law is the system that comes (back) online when we begin (remember) to be led by our inner guidance. This occasional alignment between external systems and Natural Law (inner guidance) is where the apparent overlap occurs.
This last one, by the way — “You shouldn’t take life so seriously” — is a great example of what I call ‘unconscious gaslighting’. True gaslighting often involves deliberate/conscious intent to manipulate. My parents were not consciously trying to manipulate me with this comment, but they were definitely unconsciously trying to manipulate me with this comment.
Many spiritual beginners find ‘peace’ with not caring about how others experience one’s behavior. This is delusion, not peace. It is a willful ignore-ance of the experience of others in service to one’s ego’s agenda. It is the rebellion of a child.
The ‘well-rounded peace’ I am referring to is a peace that has gone “there and back again”. I once cared too greatly about others’ experience of my behavior — to the point where I stifled my own being in an effort to smooth the path for others to have a more positive experience.
I had to learn to allow myself to live. I had to learn to give myself permission to also have an experience. This was a years-long process involving both the understanding of why I felt the need to put others’ happiness before my own (Introspection) and the healing and reintegration of this portion of my Shadow (Application).
It is from ^ this place that it truly is a victory to be able to genuinely accept that my parents may have felt discomfort as a result of my behavior. This is what is meant by ‘well-rounded peace’.